About three hours ago, I went to my first paid live-sex show.It didn't make me cum, but it made me want to come back.
(That swingers club I went to for that Sun story a while back doesn't count.)
I was walking solo up and down and around the Red Light District, awkwardly passing by the lingerie-claded women pressed up against the inviting doorways, their bodies bathed in blood red.
Side note: I liked watching the boys sitting on the edge of the canal, skipping stones and comparing Cliff's Notes on the hookers.
Second side note: The poor women look like puppies at the pound. "Pick me!"
Attracted to brightly-coloured lights myself, I wound up in front of a neon storefront advertising for "2 euro peep shows."
Basically, there is a circular set up of private booths and you go into one that isn't occupied. A red or green light indicates whether there is someone in there or not. There is a grid of photos of the performers attached to the booth numbers.
I stepped into booth seven. Lucky seven turned out to be mediocre seven.
Some dark haired Russian non-challantly strips down to her thong and then nothing and spins around in the circular bed. She's more interested in the anxious-looking guy across the way than me – which is understandable. Plus, I think I had the "Home Alone AHHHH!" face on too.
I don't feel like I've gained my 2 euros worth, so I steal some masturbatory paper and stuff it in my pocket. Something to blow my nose with later.
I make my leave and walk a few places down the street and end up at Casa Rosso, which boasts its non-stop live sex shows. I figure it's probably something I needed to see before leaving Amsterdam, so I proudly slap down my 30 euros and take my orange ticket and proceed into the theatre (think small movie theatre setup).
I sit at the end of a middle row beside an Italian couple. I notice there are several other couples in the theatre, but the majority are single men.
There is already a show going on where a showgirl grabs five guys and gals on stage and dances individually with each one. She then lays down a rug and whips out her yellow potassium gun – yes, her banana.
I squeal.
Finally! I get to see a banana show.
She peels it halfway back and inserts it up her cooch and one-by-one, invites the participants on stage to take a bite as she tightly wraps her legs around their necks for a few seconds until they emerge with a mouthful of mushy fruit. I did say fruit, right? Not fish?
Anyway, act one completed.
Next up, a brunette performs a striptease and after all the clothes go, a dildo comes out. She shows she practices cleanliness by putting on a condom onto the length of the plastic marital aid and starts inserting it up and down from all angles. Tada. Curtains close.
Act three is a couple. A Russian beefcake and his brunette girlfriend – as the announcer called it – as I also didn't see any condoms used. Club anthems booming through the speakers, she blows him while he fingers her, but creepily looking at the crowd for affirmation. When it comes to penetrating, he jackrabbits her to the sound of the beats. What the? He spreads his legs like a gymnast at one point and lifts her up, tosses her back, grabs her hair.
I realize I just paid for a Cirque Du Soleil sex show.
There was no cumshot, but he did take a bow as the curtains closed. The theatrics!
Next up was a skinny blonde girl with a very girlish face who didn't seem too interested in her striptease, but she did enjoy smoking cigars. And apparently, so did her vagina.
(Insert Home Alone face here again.)
Now, the next couple. Wow.
They were black and both very muscular. He started off with some oral, which lasted a while. She flipped up after a few minutes and exchanged the favour as he seemed to concentrate on keeping his erection. As the bass lines increased, he started having sex with her and at one point, she was holding him entirely up as he was positioned on all fours. He then fucked her in an upside down L-shape. It was crazy. They never slipped up once. It wasn't necessarily sexy – just impressive.
The stamina, the balance, the well-rehearsed moves, all of it.
The final show was a tall blonde woman, possibly German. She was dressed in a bondage PVC outfit and stripped down to White Stripes' "I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself." Awesome.
Her schtick was pulling miles and miles of neon ribbon out of her pussy. A never ending shoestring. That was just odd than anything else.
Then the house lights came on and everyone started leaving. I tried counting the number of erections, but gave up after a dozen.
I left the Red Light District feeling a strong sense of satisfaction.
Photo: Casa Rosso
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